bitchy lane

pilot to co-pilot; are you there?
navigating through a cloudy mess
breathing through thin air.
clouds of smoke, teardrop rain
you've flown through every sky
but they're all the same.
2 am. an aimless flight,
you see everything ahead of you
but there's nothing in sight.
the passengers are faceless
on this empty plane.
you've flown to every placeless face
but they're all the same.

I have become a recluse. I lots my phone saturday, and have not had contact with the outside world. I haven't shaved in weeks and look like a more handsome version of the una-bomber. I can be seen perambulating through my house in my pajamas with the footsies (so cute) or my soft and fluffy pink bathrobe. my days the same. busy, uneventful, and completely asocial. i am like a drone. I feel like a bystander watching my life go by. I feel no happiness, no pain, no emotion. I am a worker bee, guided by some olfactory perversion of a molecular pheromone. i have nightmares everynight. They don't bother me per se. but it's an odd and random occurrence. I don't fear going to bed. I like it. It may be a horrible place where horrible things happen and my heart bursts at the seams and swells with fear and apprehension. but it's better than feeling nothing. For those that know me closely, There's a hidden issue that hasn't been resolved, and my prefrontal cortex processes it nightly. I've come to the realization that I don't like or trust most people, and I fear that I will be alone. Not because I can't find anybody, but because I don't want anybody. I look at girls, and it seems that they just can't see a great catch when it's right in front of their eyes. I feel like I stand head and shoulders above the rest, but nobody ever seems to see it that way. and ultimately, that means my view of the world is jaded. not theirs. I can think that I deserve the world as far as a partner goes, but if nobody else thinks that, I'm wrong. point blank. The only common denominator in my failed relationships is me. and fortunately, unfortunately, importantly, unimportantly, I can't change that. I long for the person who comes along and sees me as the most wonderful person in the world. I think that navigational myth set sail a long time ago. It has no doubt been sea wrecked, and all I hold on to is nostalgia and saudade. For the first time in my life I feel bitter. I feel unappreciated. and that is so unlike me. I feel alone, desolate, isolated and out of touch. maybe it's the winter. it feels as though the cold air has chilled my bones and chilled my heart. I will snap out of it I hope. My goal is to coast through the next two weeks in a somnabulatory zombie-like state. to wrap myself in a coccoon made of the absence of expectations and emotions. I hope to break free on new year's eve. I had better, reiterate, better get a new year's kiss. if not, it will be one of the saddest days of my life. that sounds like one of the most absurd things in the world no doubt, but for me, it is, always has been, and always will be an important symbolic event. I have not not had one in ten years. and it had better happen this year. readers of my blog. make it happen. anyone with an x chromosome will do. but damnit it had better be an amazing night or i will be devastated.

okay. so the award for most pathetic blog ever goes to me for this entry. yay!

just a bit of a funk i suppose. I'm positive about it though. I know my life is great and full of great things and great people, but only so many people, so many things can let you down before you step into a transitory funk. No worries friends. i will re-emerge, i think. But to anybody who wants to take me by the hand, pull me up from the quicksand of self-pity, please do. I could use a boost, I could use social interaction, and I could use displays of appreciation.

love you all. kisses.

oh ps... on a lighter note. I wrote a quiz for potential mates with random questions to test their intelligence, practical intelligence etc. etc. I want people to take it so I can get an idea of what the average score is going to be. but... you must take it away from a computer so you can't use the google or anything. I would love to have volunteers, or even people to give the test to their friend just so I can come up with an average. just no google or computer or reference or any of that stupid cheater shit :p please let me know if you would be willing to take the test or find me a friend... boy, girl, hermaphrodite, whatever, that would be willing to take the test.

again. sorry for my bitchy mood this evening. I need a mydol.

I'll leave you with a joke to lighten the mood

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!