meow

yes man is crossed off the list. :) 24 to go. cassie, you better invite me to one soon :p I'm sleepy... I go night night. maybe benjamin button. hint hint. :)

besos

fuck the snow. not literally... that could lead to frostbite.

for all you christians lighting your menorah for kwanzaa

dear loyal blog readers. I am waiting for my movie to load, apparently the remote has been kidnapped, i expect to see a ransom note on the door tomorrow. I'll give them anything if they just promise not to hurt it :(

but alas, with my remote somewhere remotely outside of my vision, i am forced to sit through all the damn previews. stupid previews. I hate them. I am going to watch the dark knight. I figure, it's dark outside, and it's night. talk about a stroke of serendipity. as many of you know, I am pretty intelligent. well... apparently on facebook... the game who has the biggest brain. which is fabulous... and something everybody should damn well play. well... apparently, I'm third in the entire state of utah. and quite frankly I will be number one very shortly. So to you, all of my minions, play the game. You'll love it. it's quite addictive, mind you.

Christmas is upon us. i wish everybody the best christmas ever. If you're jewish, your hanukkah has already started, and I hope it's going along with complete glick and shalom. kwanzaa starts tomorrow. I hope it is full of Nzuri and chakula. and both you jews and kwanzaanites, be careful with those candles. Christians, go easy on the egg nog and keep your lights free of frays or exposed wiring. okay... my movie is starting. kwaheri!

ps. i have to wake up early as shit. boo cock bananas. :(

cry
sigh
byebye

stream of consciousness

this is what happens when I sit down and write non-stop for five minutes. no editing. I think my brain tried to be clever.

You tell me you can't find something you're not looking for,
and I reply sometimes things find us.
a terse response from your constricted mouth,
I say you don't speak with intention,
you tell me you don't intend to.
Will I come between you and him
or will he come between us.
you can't see with your eyes closed,
but you can't dream with your eyes open.
doubt becomes regret,
but I doubt you regret it.
you can't be empty
if you're so full of yourself,
you can't help me
if I don't need your help.
silence and hushed sentences
are better than yelling true feelings
my past is your future,
and your future hasn't passed,
but when it does I'll be waiting
for you to wait for me again.
I haven't outgrown you,
I haven't grown at all,
but you groan all the time.
you're just about to fall,
but still I fall for you.
You don't listen to me,
and neither does my heart.
you don't like to finish,
and I don't like to start.
and when we're together
you wish we were apart.
You'll get over this,
but this boy won't get over you.
you can't accept imperfection,
and I can't perfect acceptance.
but what does time matter
when it's already passed you by
and what do tears stand for
when you don't know why you cry.
your kiss is charity,
and what a charitable kiss.
you're the one I miss
but I'm the one you've misplaced.
You mistook me as your favorite,
but your my favorite mistake.
you're sick of loving me
but not loving you makes me sick.
you walk all over me,
and I walk beside you.
your eyes drive me crazy
but mine just drive you away.
I don't mind your make up,
but my mind is made up,
you can't make my mind up.
you say I'm too hung up
and that's why you hang up the phone
I wish you wouldn't leave
you wish I'd leave you alone.
I want to be more than friends
but friends is more than you want to be.

if i were crazy i would write poetry. all day.

walking down the head with my sidewalk

alone with pizza

and onion clouds

full of bees

that are angry

for all the wrong reasons

the bird walked into the door

because he forgot

to shave

newspaper clippings don't seem to gather dust

but guitars sure do.

if it rained upside down

that would be weird

because carpet isn't always green

and neither is green

but blue is.

walls that are ceilings

don't breathe like a normal rollercoaster

they open their hair

but that only makes them look

like makeup.

cows can't eat the moon

because their shirts are too tight.

crazy ladies where

olives on their fingers

and shout

I need pantyhose.

trees aren't penguins

but only because

of what children say

to their imaginary cauliflower

and also because

your foot fell asleep

listening to his mother

and crying like a cucumber

crackers grow on trees

but they don't follow orders

unless you shout

fat people wear yellow shorts

pizza can't climb trees

but the telephone doesn't listen

to the green pumpkin

down the street

the fat kid shit himself

luckily he wasn't wearing

girls underwear or mashed potatoes.

because then his mother

would call the fire department

to watch a movie

but no popcorn

because of backpacks

full of airplanes

if rivers were made of chocolate

i wouldn't wear bologna

the little boy down the street

would have more feet

or at least some graham crackers

if grandma's dress wasn't too short

for me to wear

underneath my dog

metal doesn't taste like chicken

and square soccer balls

weigh more

than full grown swimming pools

the wind doesn't taste good

I can't figure out blue

every bird I have talked to

wished they weren't so tired

maybe they should stop

shitting on peoples toupees

and take naps instead

or drink gatorade.

salt doesn't taste sweet

very often but when it does

you know that the granola in your hair

isn't upset at you

he's just afraid of tacos.

that's what I miss about rocks

and running isn't fun unless

you have one leg

lizards don't open their mouths much

but when they do make them swallow

bean burritos

sometimes they'll be so full

they might say

fuck, I'm one full lizard.

then clowns might remember

that even construction workers

eat bananas once in awhile.

and so is a palm tree

after all they are second cousins

and everyone knows what they say

about bowling pins.

or does a crayon perceive

the sleeping tiger

as one unfortunate refrigerator

full of pickles and

cartoon characters

midgets with genital warts

shouldn't be allowed to skydive

and neither should peanut butter

because gorillas

pick their noses

more often than

a picture of cows

wearing nothing but

shoes that are too big for them

it makes you wonder if

plastic breasts

have fights with trains.

25 don't miss movies (that i missed)

as 2008 comes to a close, i realized I have not seen many movies, and there are a lot that I want to see. So, I am making a list of movies from 2008 that I have not yet seen, but would like to see within the next year. feel free to add any that you think I must see.

slumdog millionaire
man on wire
wall-e
milk
standard operating procedure
the wrestler
synecdoche
happy go lucky
burn after reading
vicky christina barcelona
rachel getting married
doubt
ghost town (i love ricky gervais)
the curious case of benjamin button
choke
paranoid park
my winnipeg
yes man
hunger
trouble the water
funny games
chop shop
4 months 3 weeks and 2 days
lat den ratte komma in (the best vampire movie of 2008 i hear)
the boy in the striped pyjamas

that's 25. I'll watch one this year, and then two a month in 2009. that's the goal.

side note. insomnia still fellates a large throbbing ungulate phallus.

and... I still don't have a phone... and I don't imagine me getting one in the immediate future. I'm probably going to order one from ebay... it'll probably take a few days to ship... so not until after christmas at least. tear, cry, sad face, frown, temper tantrum.

shit... somebody remind me to take my library books back asap. eek.

i go night night.

love you all.

wen wen

jew should listen to this...

if you haven't listened to the erran baron cohen album... songs in the key of hanukkah, please do. also, check out his band zohar. I currently can't get enough of them :) I am about sick of working 12 hours six days a week. stupid. and dumb. only a few more days of that non-sense though.

i need a haircut.

i want to learn to speak ladino.

besos

bitchy lane

pilot to co-pilot; are you there?
navigating through a cloudy mess
breathing through thin air.
clouds of smoke, teardrop rain
you've flown through every sky
but they're all the same.
2 am. an aimless flight,
you see everything ahead of you
but there's nothing in sight.
the passengers are faceless
on this empty plane.
you've flown to every placeless face
but they're all the same.

I have become a recluse. I lots my phone saturday, and have not had contact with the outside world. I haven't shaved in weeks and look like a more handsome version of the una-bomber. I can be seen perambulating through my house in my pajamas with the footsies (so cute) or my soft and fluffy pink bathrobe. my days the same. busy, uneventful, and completely asocial. i am like a drone. I feel like a bystander watching my life go by. I feel no happiness, no pain, no emotion. I am a worker bee, guided by some olfactory perversion of a molecular pheromone. i have nightmares everynight. They don't bother me per se. but it's an odd and random occurrence. I don't fear going to bed. I like it. It may be a horrible place where horrible things happen and my heart bursts at the seams and swells with fear and apprehension. but it's better than feeling nothing. For those that know me closely, There's a hidden issue that hasn't been resolved, and my prefrontal cortex processes it nightly. I've come to the realization that I don't like or trust most people, and I fear that I will be alone. Not because I can't find anybody, but because I don't want anybody. I look at girls, and it seems that they just can't see a great catch when it's right in front of their eyes. I feel like I stand head and shoulders above the rest, but nobody ever seems to see it that way. and ultimately, that means my view of the world is jaded. not theirs. I can think that I deserve the world as far as a partner goes, but if nobody else thinks that, I'm wrong. point blank. The only common denominator in my failed relationships is me. and fortunately, unfortunately, importantly, unimportantly, I can't change that. I long for the person who comes along and sees me as the most wonderful person in the world. I think that navigational myth set sail a long time ago. It has no doubt been sea wrecked, and all I hold on to is nostalgia and saudade. For the first time in my life I feel bitter. I feel unappreciated. and that is so unlike me. I feel alone, desolate, isolated and out of touch. maybe it's the winter. it feels as though the cold air has chilled my bones and chilled my heart. I will snap out of it I hope. My goal is to coast through the next two weeks in a somnabulatory zombie-like state. to wrap myself in a coccoon made of the absence of expectations and emotions. I hope to break free on new year's eve. I had better, reiterate, better get a new year's kiss. if not, it will be one of the saddest days of my life. that sounds like one of the most absurd things in the world no doubt, but for me, it is, always has been, and always will be an important symbolic event. I have not not had one in ten years. and it had better happen this year. readers of my blog. make it happen. anyone with an x chromosome will do. but damnit it had better be an amazing night or i will be devastated.

okay. so the award for most pathetic blog ever goes to me for this entry. yay!

just a bit of a funk i suppose. I'm positive about it though. I know my life is great and full of great things and great people, but only so many people, so many things can let you down before you step into a transitory funk. No worries friends. i will re-emerge, i think. But to anybody who wants to take me by the hand, pull me up from the quicksand of self-pity, please do. I could use a boost, I could use social interaction, and I could use displays of appreciation.

love you all. kisses.

oh ps... on a lighter note. I wrote a quiz for potential mates with random questions to test their intelligence, practical intelligence etc. etc. I want people to take it so I can get an idea of what the average score is going to be. but... you must take it away from a computer so you can't use the google or anything. I would love to have volunteers, or even people to give the test to their friend just so I can come up with an average. just no google or computer or reference or any of that stupid cheater shit :p please let me know if you would be willing to take the test or find me a friend... boy, girl, hermaphrodite, whatever, that would be willing to take the test.

again. sorry for my bitchy mood this evening. I need a mydol.

I'll leave you with a joke to lighten the mood

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!

nanananananananana she's got the look

the look by the roxette's. love it. listening to it now.

governor of chicago is a silly douchebag. lol.

wen wen

more random than the usual randomness

as i sit in my pink bathrobe with a heating pad strewn about my lap, one thought enters my mind; it's fucking cold. Winter is officially upon us. and by officially upon us, i mean by my definition of the commencement of the winter season... the first time I have to scrape my windows. That day was yesterday. welcome winter, you wonderful white fuck :(

So, something clicked for me today. I realize why priests are anti-abortion. wider partner selection opportunity.

shout out to the girl that made me smile today... whether you know who you are or not :)

I am reading a book called "love sick" that talks about how love is basically a psychological disorder. I intended to write a deep in-depth essay about what love is, what makes somebody fall in love with you, the pitfalls of love and why they occur. How to have the strongest relationship possible. Pair bonding and what it means for natural human inclination (partner selection, duration of partnership, infidelity), the role evolutionary psychology plays in love, replication, and commitment with respect to both males and females. status, power, and how the dynamic of these things in the relationship ultimately determine the longevity and satisfaction of your relationship. What women look for in a man, what a man can do to increase his appeal to females, and conversely what men look for in women, and what they can do to increase their appeal. The difference between limerence and companionate love. The role of jealousy, infidelity and gene dispersion in ancient times, and the relevance it has today. the role of expectation, bias, and distortion with respect to it's adaptive and maladaptive presentations in modern romance. the idea of passion, committment, and intimacy, and how the presence and strength of each of these characteristics can result in different types of feelings all termed under the nominilization "love" How to keep your relationship strong, how to ensure it's success from beginning, (starting with pre-selection), to the end of the bond. Why certain people seem to repeat the same relational mistakes over and over, and what they can do to change that. Why the internet has started to and will continue to revolutionize the formation of the pairbond, from inception to dissolution. Cross cultural differences and the reasons behind them. Your attachment style (caused by your experiences with your mother at birth) and how that relates to the type of mate you attract, and the satisfaction you have with different mates. Your sex life, and how that contributes to the stability, instability, and enjoyability of the relationship as a whole through the eyes of both partners. and much more. but, it appears as though that's a rather large task to take on whilst on an ambien, so perhaps, another day. There are all sorts of interesting studies that I would like to pepper in throughout the essay. should be fun.

I would also like to write an essay on vegetarianism, financial prudency, time management/goal setting, the long range outlook for our economy and politics, racism, sexism, prejudice, and maybe one on leading a successful life. maybe one on fashion, grammar, something I'm knowledgeable about and can impart wisdom. I would also be willing to take suggestions from the audience :p


well... now that that is out of the way, ambien and I are about to have a threeway with our friend pillow. kinky.

kisses

disappointed about being sad about being tired.

I read a lot about internal locus of control today. as well as meta-states. and though I believe they are insanely helpful things to know that may just change your life, I don't think that my current state of mind could give it enough attention. I'll skim the surface. internal locus of control ICOL in contrast to external locus of control ECOL. pretty much means whether you think you are the reason for your life ending up the way it does. ECOL means you blame others, claim how hard you've had it, complain about situations and events that happen to you. Internal locus of control, takes responsibility for their actions, if something bad happens, they do whatever they can to make the situation intrinsically controlled. Be ICOL. it'll make your life 1000x better. meta states has to do with the way we process emotions. It is very common for emotions to be manifested in a complex way. Instead of feeling just one negative emotion, we usually feel emotions about emotions, which convulutes them and makes them more difficult to deal with. For example, a lot of people will experience jealousy and then they will feel angry that they felt jealous, and maybe even disappointment that they felt angry about feeling jealous. when you intertwine these negative feelings, you strengthen them and lessen your ability to deal with them. One solution I read about is to wrap all of those negativce emotions in a positive emotion, for example feel curious that you are sad that you are angry that you are jealous. being curious wrapping the negative emotions in this "positive emotion" is very effective at dealing with the feelings. conversely wrapping positive emotions in other positive emotions is one of the best ways to ensure happiness and to make yourself more successful. that is an extremely cursory run down of some powerful things. I love learning about things like that :) sorry I can't articulate them but my brain is sleeping :) nyquill sure gives you some vivid dreams. :S

um yum.

i ate cookies. andrew made them. yum. went to red robin. full. fuck. finished always sunny in philadelphia. sad. need a new show to watch. any suggestions? i prefer comedy. played nine hands of poker today. made seven dollars. lol. weekend, uneventful. sunday. kick ass. got a onesie with the footsies and a pink bathrobe. if you come over to visit, expect to see me in one or both of them. i want to see four christmases or whatever the hell it's called. I <3 vince vaughn. two and a half weeks til christmas. eek. nobody buy me anything. I'm not exchanging gifts. bah-recession-humbug. i want to see zoo lights... maybe involve my friend hot cocoa and his amigo marshmallows in the plans. i hate laptop keyboards. they're stupid. i want to watch love actually. i, actually, love that movie. fuck, i need to reach over and set my alarm. ick. I wish i could just tell it to set itself. I'm comfortable and the heating pad feels sensational. okay. i'm back. alarm set. i watched crash today. probably one of my top 5 favorite movies. I want to watch the man who knew too little. somebody remind me that since I will undoubtedly forget. tomorrow. brewvies. role models. I think that's a splendid idea if anybody is interested. i forgot to charge my phone. it's in the front room. I am not. shit. Not worth getting up. in fact, i shall go to sleep now. ciao. kisses besos wen wen etc etc. shit... i think I'm going to go get another cookie. yum.

the sweat lodge was a no go. estaba demasiado enfermo. pero esta bien. otra vez :) So My sickness has subsided some. the sore throat, the head ache, are but mere echoes of what they used to be. however... my voice still makes me sound like a pre-op transexual. eh. c'est la vie. Today
Andrew and I went with Whit to get her new dog. He's very cute. Andrew and i hatched a brilliant plan, the likes of which I am not able to divulge at this time...

I've been in a very negative and cynical mood lately. it's no good. I need to meet nice people that think i'm nice and want to hang out on a consistent basis. somebody... please make that happen for me. I can't seem to do it on my own.

our condo is clean as hell. everybody is welcome to come over now. you could even eat off of our floor if you would like. We are going to start having people over more often. So if you wish to come visit us, give us a little forewarning and we're good to go. Chef-boy-r-roommate-andrew is a hell of a cook and may prepare a little something to please your palate. I think that I should go back to school, just for the hell of it. I need to buy a new phone :( gas is so cheap! wow... that was a random string of randomness.

saxby "asshole" chambliss won. fucker. Al Franken's shots seem slim. looking like a 58/42 senate ish.

this blog is uneventful. tear. I have no means to redemption. whitney. remind me to remind you to remind me to get my damn bowling ball from delton... and be sure to rub my geo challenge score in sonia's face if you haven't done so already :) and and and... congratulations on your new job!! and your new dog!! you deserve them both :) and thanks for everything you have done, do for me. I don't know what my life would be without you.

well, hell, i go night night ish. actually watch it's always sunny in philadelphia and play a little bit of poker, but you get the picture. I want corn nuts. what an odd craving... I think I'm pregnant. Damn you Andrew, I told you to pull out :(

what sound does it make when a cat has sex with a duck. meack!

okay enough insomniatic ambien provoked blather. cheers night night etc etc etc.

kim jung-ill :(

I am sick. death, she is knocking on my door. My ally nyquill and I have set up camp and lay in the trenches awaiting the ambush of throat, nose, and head. It shall be a long, arduous journey but with determination and cunning guile, victory, though improbable, is certain. My life depends on it! I hope to be air lifted some soup or other supplies as needed. Together, we can fight this evil axis. viva la nyquill! y viva la revolucion!

besitos

native american sweat lodge

So, thursday I am going to get naked, sit in a tee-pee with several other
people as hot water is poured over rocks, causing extreme heat infiltrating
my body causing the sweat to purge the toxicities out of my body and purify my soul
...
hence the name "sweat lodge"

It's something i've always wanted to do... but the opportunity presented itself
this friday. Andrew and I went to this lovely... free spirited home at which
we were greeted by three people. One of whom was named dove bear. He talked about
his life and his purpose and things he does, and the idea of a sweat lodge got
mentioned... being that this is something I have always wanted to to, my ears
perked up. I have to help prepare it. chop wood, carry stones and such. But I get
to do it thursday, and I'm excited :) it's supposed to be a magical life-altering
experienc, and I hope that it is. a trip report is sure to follow I think.I am excited :)

so aside from that... I played a good amount of poker today for the first time
in quite some time... yay! i have also been informed Miss "insert the pageant's city name here"
may have a little crush on me. She is super cute and fun and funny and nice and pretty\
and dedicated and such. so perhaps that will be a good thing. It comes at a good time
though.. a time when I wish to meet a fuckload of people, for friends, for romantic
interests, for business, for whatever.

I can already tell that this isn't making too much sense and that things keep
beeping on me.

friday and saturday, I would like to be glorious.. saturday wendover if I can't
find anything else acceptable. Friday I want to do something fun too. please
find me something. I am feeling lazy this week and don't have the willpower to
do it. just make it fun. and make it include me :)

I wrote a new profile on facebook. If you lovely readers could please give it
the once over and give me honest feedback I wouldn't be offended by negative
comment. and would be so overwhelmedly happy if you left helpful ones. love you all.

oh, and I bought a gift for a girl today... that's not usually my style.
It was very thoughtful. I hope that it goes over well. kiss luck kiss.

and now a joke from stephen colbert:
why did the mayonnaise start blushing?

because it saw the salad dressing :)

addio bitches!

saxby chambliss eats a dick: vote martin

saxby chambliss and jim martin are having a run-off for the senate seat tomorrow. I really doubt that martin will be able to pull it off. but if he does I will cry sweet tears of joy. In fact, if he wins, first one to text me and say congratulations wins. dinner on me. go martin.

again, if i haven't talked to you in person and you like funny things... watch it's always sunny in philadelphia. it's great. and hulu is also great. if you don't know what that is, google it. Whitney, I beat sonia's geo-challenge record. please rub it in her nose for me.

italian cheese pizza from little caesar's is borderline orgasmic. yum.

I want to see the new vince vaughn movie. I <3 him. oh and i want to see role models. maybe 50 cent popcorn movie night tomorrow if anybody is interested.

Soon on the agenda is to go see the christmas lights. with hot cocoa. twill be cute. I got three pairs of new pants. hell yeah bitches.

bye bye night night kisses.