attack of the panic!

This is from the deepest recesses of my recent struggle with panic attack/anxiety/depression

it was written a few weeks ago. and on klonopine and ambien. shortly after I had a panic attack. these are basically the thoughts that raced through my head at a million miles an hour.

I don't talk to a lot of my closer friends anymore, and all they see is this, so I figured I'd give them an update of what dark hole I'm trying to emerge from. (as of now, I have emerged some, and the panic, anxiety, etc. has gotten some better).

It's not coherent really. but deal with it.

alone,
solace, solitutde, solitary confinement, straight jacket confinement
it seems to be the path. a path that splits in two. a bipolar outcome
seems inevitable. Obsessed, the compulsions take over me. I'm attacked with
panic, my brain function is depressed, my heart beats anxious. narcissus,
your complexity has evaded me. anorexia, paranoia. delusion, or illusion,
do i even possess the mental faculties to tell. my attention races like my
heart would if it wasn't fixed in my chest. can you be phobic to life,
to time, to death.
klonopine, you calm me, a hacksaw to an infected limb.
ambien, you scatter my brain. attacks of ataxia, but not the sleep your
cylindrical bottle touts.
zoloft, I pray that you are the skilled surgeon that can remove the refuse
from my brain, the savior to set things right. so i can function, so i can
sleep, so I can be free from anxiety, and so I can be happy.
Lately I think of her. In fact her visage often awakes me in the night.
my arms, my legs, my face, my tongue tingle.. my heart beat races, my brain
fades in and out of coherence, and it seems as though my soul fades in and
out of existence. How could any one person be so cruel? More importantly how
can I keep that from jading me for the rest of my life? I'm lost in this life.
I'm 26, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have no promising
career path, no significant other, few friends I can count on, and as a person
I have absolutely no clue who I am. How do I figure that out? how do i
realize what my passions are if haven't the slightest clue.
How do i stand up to people. How do I conquer the world. How do I realize
that life is short, and to let my behaviors be influenced by what others
think is absolutely asinine. Do I really care what strangers think of me...
am I really that scared of looking foolish in front of people. Why? and more
importantly, how the hell do i fix that. How can a person live a life not
being able to call and order a pizza, to talk on the phone to people that
are friends, let alone talk to a girl I've never met. what is my short time
strategy for life, what is my long term strategy? How do I make myself a
better person, how do I get up the courage, the energy, and the strength to
face the day... and if by some miracle I do get up to face the day, how
do I make that happy. How to I make me happy. How to I stop being so tired,
so shy, so lethargic and lazy. How do I actualize this potential that everybody
seems to think I have. What impetus is it going to take for me to change my life
I have faced a confluence of detriments lately. In the
middle of a shit storm, i imagine the best course of action would be to get
an umbrella and a shovel. I don't have either of those, and I don't know where
the fuck to find them.
I'm lonely. I don't have anybody I can relate with. i'm unhappy. i just want
life to be fun. i just want to be happy
the problem is three pronged (which probably have their own prongs)
1. anxiety, panic attacks, social phobia... the shit that just makes me
the way I am.
2.I have no confidants, nobody I feel that is on my level that I can share
anything with... It just seems like I'm alone in this world, and I have nobody
that truly understands me. I feel superior to everyone else, conceited or not,
I don't feel like anybody can relate to me.
3. I have no emotionally intimate companion. Nobody I can sit down with to
rub my back, ask me how my day went, cuddle with me, and just be there for
me all thee time lookin forward to seeing me as much as i look forward to
see her...
i wonder if I'll ever get married?
or if i'll be alone forever.
there needs to be an outline, a recovery plan. short term. long term.
how do i meet friends?
how do i walk better?
how do i dress better?
how do i make my life more interesting?
how do i live a life that gives me pleasure?

brain storm of solutions.

relaxation techniques
klonopine
beta blockers
therapy
hypnosis
biofeedback
yoga
acupuncture
eat healthy
vitamin d
exercise
meticulous house, meticulous mind
meticulous organization, same thing
go to the U and research panic disorder, social phobia, anxiety disorders

what does two years from now hold? what do I want it to hold? How do I make
these things come true?

what is my purpose in life?
Who am i as a person?
who do i want to be as a person?
what people do i want to surround myself with?
how do i go about finding those people?

fuck. fuck. fuck.