oh the gall... part two. hyperflinks are a chink in my armor.

my mother, like me, just had a "cholecystectomy, She is currently convaslescing nicely. Her surgery went a lot better than mine (thank god). In a bit of pain, but she is doing pretty well, and should be back to semi-normal very soon. I ordered a "light box, today. It should be here friday. That excites me greatly. I am curious how it will effect me. I'm convinced that I have a condition called "delayed sleep phase syndrome., and i pray that this helps me. It gets here friday. more news to come I'm sure. Today I was just trying to teach myself a little bit of html code, and hyper links and such. I hope that it worked out well. if not. apologies. Tomorrow, i have a list of tasks to do. fill ambien, buy chucks, go to the bank, etc. etc. i need to remember those. Whit, I am excited for my true religion jeans. you are the best. it is 1:22. that means it is time to take my final remaining half pill of ambien. Oh. caveat. If I ever helped you in any way, small, big, whatever. don't forget about me. I need some help of my own, and it seems that everyone i have helped have moved on and aren't there to help me, despite how much I need it. Who knew this would be a sad blog. it was supposed to be a "hyper" text email. tis all. I'm eligible for an upgraded phone. any suggestions anbyody? probably through t mobile... and I can't text on a touch screen because I shake too much. and of you close to my mom, call her, check in on her. she's a lovely lady, and deserves to know that people care about her and such. Wrote a paper for school tonight. miss school. i wish to go back. i probably won't. i need a 9-5 job i need structure, and i need a social network. I think i'm giving my social life until january first, and if not. mail order bride. I have been looking into \ mail order brides, and I think that if by the end of the year something doesn't change, I'm going to make that happen. I'm going to go watch ambien and take a house.


dyslexic kisses to you all.

lane

secret/girl/house season 6

this blog is about a girl. you know who you are. I have had lots of fun with you lately. Thank you for coming around lately and making me feel less sad. Your smile, your wit, your cooking (well, not yours), and your gregarious, sarcastic nature make me laugh, and get me out of my shell a little bit. there is a fire that burns inside your eyes, i think it's a mix of compassion, dedication, and focus. but looking in your eyes, i feel more alive. there's a cadence to your voice. it lifts up predictably and you predictably lift me up. thank you for helping me through life when I feel like I need a hand. It's been tough lately, but you have helped immensely. hopefully I'll talk to you tomorrow, and then perhaps go out on the weekend. meet me some friends, and fix me. love you all. I have a secret. I can't tell any of you guys though. sorry :(

i watched house premier last night too. I liked it. not loved it. I'm very anxious to see how it goes from here though. such a good show :) <3

wen wen

degaussed.

and this is why i love brand new.
if you kids haven't hear this song, enjoy the lyrics. so good.

Goodbye to sleep
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Well take apart your head
Take apart the counting, and the flock it has bred

Goodbye to love
Well it's a ride that will push you up
Right against the wall
Take apart your head
Right against the wall
Chew it up and swallow it


You're brought back but you're running
I fell asleep at the incline
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right

Goodbye you liar
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(And I wish I could inspire)
Take apart the demon, up in the attic to the left

(Goodbye my love)
You're brought back but you're running
(You wait right here, and they will come and pick you up)
Let's sleep at the incline
(I've been on pause, but I'm shaking off the rust)
I can't shake this tiny feeling
(I've lost my charge, I've been degaussed)
I'll never say anything right

(I'm on my own, I've been degaussed)
I'll never say anything right
(I'm on my own, I've been degaussed)
I'll never say anything right
(I'm on my own, I've been degaussed)
I'll never say anything right
I'm on my own

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say, "I don't mind you under my skin.
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in"
Well when we were made we were set apart
But life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming
The storm is coming in

You're brought back but you're running
I fell asleep at the incline
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right

I'm on my own
I'll never get anything right
I'm on my own

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
Well you're my favorite bird and when you sing
I really do wish that you'd wear my ring
No matter what they say, I am still the king
And now the storm is coming
The storm is coming in

"brand new" "muse"ings

I slummed around chat rooms today. It was actually a lot of fun. I "met" a ton of people, and had conversations with a ton of them via messenger. ha. good times. it allowed me to practice both my typing, my wit, and my social(asocial) skills. and, I played in a poker tournament during it, took second and won 171 dollars. can't complain. oh shit... i washed my sweaters though, and I forgot to put them in ze damn dryer. bollocks.

i should be asleep. I'm not. what's new?
I'm interested to see how the next couple weeks play out. it appears to be a transitional week for me. it's like a fork in the road, or a point before the eight legs of an octopus perhaps. there are a few different outcomes. but interesting. I am attracted to girl's with borderline personality disorder. it's tragic tragic tragic.

again, house starts soon. yay.
i want to play basketball.
i want to go snowmobiling
I'm a radical anarchist with a strange family that ages backwards.
i know you're wrong about sleep apnea.

my brain is too random. eek! I can't take it. I bet you blog readers wish to bathe my eyeballs in windex and soak my wounded hands in cobra venom. ataris concert friday with one of my bestest friends jee-hye. exciting... tomorrow, think that I will listen to the muse album some more and more. I dig it. everyone should listen. I'll listen to the brand new album and the muse album. it'll be awesome.

*blows kiss*
chee ow.

sentimental, sincere, hopeful... but fritzy phone. :/

phone is on the fritz. I try to respond to texts or calls, but i usually don't get them, and it's difficult if not impossible to send them. bk mocha joe, I plan on drinking two of you tomorrow morning. Waking up = not fun. I still wish to be good at sleeping. someday. sigh. The new house episode is in less that a week. john stewart and colbert started back up again today. It's been a good week for television.
I have good friends that I hang out quite a bit of the time now.
Jeff,
clint,
gaz,
and andrew and mer when they aren't busy.

hope to expand and broaden my circle until it becomes a globe. But, I only deal with sincere nice people now... so others, don't apply. If you're sincere, kick ass and nice, apply. Hopefully I'll hang out with mike more. I love and miss that kid. I'm shy, i need to get out of they shy funk. but it seems like a downward spiral. I have to right the ship, and set out on my voyage of clear destination. anyone that makes me more social or introduces me to new people will be forever remembered, and i will be forever indebted to you. I just need more friends. nice friends, friends that are single, nice, etc. anyone that makes it happen... a million hugs to you.

i believe that my pupils snuggle with my eyelids. millions of hugs, and kisses on a boat.

lane

move your eyes. okkkay?

I wrote this the other day. I neglected to publish it.

I read a lot about EMDR today. Previously, I thought that it was only implicated in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder, but apparently, the inventor, as well as the psychological literature suggest otherwise. For those that don't know EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It is a very intriguing source of research to me. From preliminary research, I have heard that it is just as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy or exposure methods In treating PTSD. Not only that, but it seems to work a lot faster. It's potential applications for depression or anxiety in general greatly intrigue me... and I think I just may purchase a book about it and give it a perusing. Lately I am thinking about writing a psychology blog to chronicle all the fascinating and cutting edge treatments that I come across. Maybe to educate some people on various disorders etc. Somebody come up with a clever title for it. That's your job. I also want to write a political blog. however, in this current entry, I don't feel like writing too much more. I threw away like 20 pairs of levis today, organized every drawer in my house, folded all my sweaters and was productive as shit. That's awesome. I think that I will go to sleep now. I watched tyson too. I liked it. watch it. ate lunch with my brother. Tried a beta blocker to stop my shaking. worked very well. I'm excited to go to sleep (or try). I love the new used album. kill the faggots, kill the lesbians, goddamn kill them all. That speech is classic crazy. If none of you have heard it, google it, kill whitey speech or something like that. wow. just wow. Khallid Muhammad or something like that.

"Don't feed me scraps from your bed. I won't be the cat that keeps coming back, just to be fed..."

7 cheers for folding all my sweaters. 8 cheers to proximity. 9 lives to cats.
meow, that's all for now.

racist kkkisses to you all.

and I have no idea why this got all formatted weird. shittay.

Dum spiro spero

amor vincit omnia, amantes sus amentes. I think I'm in love with sanity. venni vetti vecci. the fire rages on. Immodica ira creat insaniam. Non sum qualis eram. i am but my shell of a former self. Non est vivere sed valere vita est. Omnes una manet nox. Periculum in mora, Non sum qualis eram
this was horrible to me, it's all greek to me :p or latin, or whatever. i gunno go nighty nighthy ambi4n and sleep. kiss3s

rivers of conciousness. new them with an e.

cowabunga dude. last night was a bad night. at least I assume. ass. you. me. Seinfeld is good. again... the kkk took my baby away. a lot of baseball teams are named after birds. orioles, cardinals, red sox (okay the last one was named after a red sock... but still, you get the gist). I folded all my sweaters. go me. In second grade, i won a trapper keeper for being kick ass. origami means paper fold. or something like that. flamingos are pink because they are gay. okay I made that up. speaking of made up... burger king mocha joe's are fantastic! evander (spelling?) holyfield is missing part of his ear. It's a starry night. or should i stay starie night. chanda, where art though? if it ain't baroque, don't fix it. thanks savannah for changing my tire 5 years ago. actually not my tire, but nonetheless. that's three words smushed together. I used to play video games all the time. I used to golf all the time. Time, that ever insistent riple that pervades my every action. get up kids are coming in a few days. I would love to see them. won't. what a weird contraction. again... i reiterate.. only you can prevent forest fires. and half-ass elipses. my dash is shit. missing shit, but shit. Harps make you feel better about dying. beat it, asshole. I need new eans. 9 times out of ten, the answer is 80 percent. cal ripken. famous for stability. quarks, quirks. off-handed smirks. blue. the eiffel tower 65 years old. okay... not really. Michelle. my belle, I hope you're doing swell. swell meaning miserable. love you sarah.first girl i dated was kara. she went on to be miss utah or something. christmas is coming soon. Premature is an underused word. people say i look like hugh jackman. aladdin was a good show. (spelling)? apparently i lied about the spelling bee. rest homes smell funny. scrabble should be called "game that kicks ass" as I've mentioned before. donkeys can see all four of their legs at the same time. what was her name, ashley, i don't remember. but eye say cock a doodle doo to you. i mean cock eye say... okay. i'm just mean. chile verde. one of the things i miss. what the fuck was the other place. immigration canyon. banyon. i won an essay contest. I lick ass. k and l are so close to each other. like peas ina pod. 3rd grade kicked ass. monsoons are devastating. i like words that can be verbs or nouns. jesus christ that's a pretty face. Mandy Moore is super pretty. an increase in demand leads to increased air supply record sales. sell sale sail. bride, pride, step aside. out of stride. gum, I've succumb. mute. like a remote control (the tv show of course). mr ed. you're probably dead. that being said, I am a white in shining armor. I mean night...i mean knight. cu-knight. what a weird word. things get twisted. red, blue, i think green and yellow? love cows. want a mini cow as a pet. nearlly saud bet. bet you ddn't... hugh grant. two weeks. love the fog. the image of a handicapped person having sex with a door knob makes me smile. Gigolo was one of the words in the word scramble today. egg. chicken. kentucky. i blew on grass. seed what it would do. what, that maid know cents. 50 % or statistics including the word 50 percent are right. percocet, never taking it. I used to be good at tennis. hitler had a funny mustache. moustache. you're welcome. hirajuku girls (spelling) i have no doubt your kingdom is tragic, despite the not making cents. homonys ur soup er something like that. biggest city I've ever been to is new york. I want a sombrero, and pizza. I want hawaiian pineapple. pine plus apple equals pine apple.. why don't they just call it bluespruce red delicious. i think it has a better ring to it. dian hua. talk, electricallly like a side. Robert, other one was from alpine. he slid out of my life. rhymes with blessica henson, i should have rhymed with carried you. Jimmy ate the world. you spin me right round. write emersojn. do you think bobbing for cherries or using a neti pot is like watrboarding. not the fun kind on the ocean, but the fun feeling you get while surfing. spiders have eight legs. I have two. for now. balleronas can like stand up on their toes. i wonder if it is a mastodon is a extincrt member of the proboscidae famiy.I hate to be nosey. nosy? I thnk first is better. leona lewis. I bleed like a hemophiliac. kick back, a\paperntusack. trade of all jacks. lies. to me, take me apart and glew me. glee! 233 love me. gentle massage, and kfc chicken to you all.... kiss mes to you all is mes a words don't think i like to sew. 8th grade. i should have bagged it. the wheel of death. the skill of wycllef. love mack and cheese, old cars grow on me. not literally, stay in schoo, read. help homeless people. I go back to leona lewis. fur what it' worth. she is awesome like a blossom. kanaroos kick ass. sometimes literally.i wanted to say literarily. go big pun. I'm still not a player. i do however crush a lot. minor leauge baseball. broken necks. spine, swine, jeff. nothing else left, lay in pieces of full rest.

consciousness in ex-stream fashion.

I actually love love actually. I think that it is an amazing and fantastic show. one of my top five for sure. I love hugh grant too. Prostitutes are an odd phenomenon. as george carlin said... selling is legal, fucking is legal... so why the hell isn't selling fucking legal. I loved George Carlin, I went and saw him at abravanel hall once upon a time with my brother. My brother gets to do practicum stuff where he helps in therapy with people with a wide range of disorders. I'm jealous. I listened to an interesting podcast about dialectical behavior therapy. It's used to treat borderline personality disorder. I wonder how michelle is doing. I can't say whether i hope that it's good or bad. I'm not sure. Certain dry deodorant is the best... well, I guess technically it's an anti-persperant. Ants and the study of pheromones has always intrigued me. People that were giving oxytocin prior to being offered a business venture were 80% more likely to take the deal. I need a massage. my text messaging is all messed up. my phone is stupid and glitchy. damn dash. My glove box is broken. Vince broke it when we went to the gym. sad. I'm excited for winter, I get to wear gloves. yay! winter/fall i suppose. When all else fails by the ataris is such a good song. love it. My basset hound is so cute. he's getting old and has big ears. Barack obama kicks ass. I love wearing black shirts, they are so slimming. Johnny cash is fantastic. There are so many words for money in the english language. it reflects our values. There's a pointless message written on my mirror telling me to pay my hoa. I keep neglecting it. I'm hot like a left sink handle. When I was nine, my best friend was jason meyer. I won a poker tournament the other day. I had a pinball machine when i was little. It was kick ass. Once I had the chance between seeing the shows sigmund and freud and blue man group. If i would have known he was going to get mauled, i would have chosen the former. I need new chucks. Mine have holes and they are dirty. charles barkley was my favorite basketball player. He's got a gambling problem. The comedian Mitch Fatel cracks me up. Blueberry muffins are my favorite. I wish to shake it like a polaroid picture. the obadiah parker cover though. I love my blanket. it's so versatile. from summer to fall. I key a lot faster when I take a beta blocker. I <3 tiger army. billy goats are cute, sheep are baaaad. I wonder where monica lewinski is now. Canada is the biggest country on the continent of north america. My fifth grade teacher was Ms. Springer. I think, I may have made that up. The kkk tood my baby away. I haven't hung out with whitney in a long time. Cogito, ergo sum. i hate shopping carts with one bad wheel. stupid. I hate caves, I could never be a spelunker. phobias are silly. formicophilia is my favorite. the top 8 in myspace was stupid. talk about drama just waiting to happen. I always wanted a butler. maybe I still do. still waters run deep. i can't swim. Float on by modest mouse... i hated that song at first, but it subsequently grew on me. knockout mice are crazy. that definitely deserved the nobel prize. I watched tyson. pretty good. ala means wing in spanish. I love hispanic women. Only you can prevent forest fires. I need new make up. whoever decided to bottle and sell water was a genius. I wanted to go to a garage sale this year, I didn't. I won the spelling bee in sixth grade. My dad's original name was bethers. words with silent g's are weird. Kevin Smith is a smart man, I enjoy his films. I miss prince, it seems as if i haven't seen him in some time. :( i need to contact some people i haven't hung out with in a long time that I miss. namely brittany thatcher, janessa, and vince. I never was a fan of those jones sodas. overrated. ambien kicked in now I'm sedated. I'm elated, despite my bedtime being belated. insomnia is overrated. please disregard the shitty blog i've created :)

lucidity, I welcome you with open arms. I think we shall have a fun time tonight. i go to sleep now. grace me with your tender and comforting embrace.

xoxo

it feels like I'm trying to catch smoke

the new brand new album has grown on me quite a bit recently. Lyrically, I think it's much better than I anticipated. Maybe i just over-analyzed them, but they seem very deep and more complex than upon a cursory glance. I especially like "at the bottom" and "gasoline" at the moment. Noro is good too. and Vices is absolutely terrific. listen to them if you like brand new... or if you don't...

what an uneventful blog. damnit. c'est la vie I suppose.

kiss kiss.

attack of the panic!

This is from the deepest recesses of my recent struggle with panic attack/anxiety/depression

it was written a few weeks ago. and on klonopine and ambien. shortly after I had a panic attack. these are basically the thoughts that raced through my head at a million miles an hour.

I don't talk to a lot of my closer friends anymore, and all they see is this, so I figured I'd give them an update of what dark hole I'm trying to emerge from. (as of now, I have emerged some, and the panic, anxiety, etc. has gotten some better).

It's not coherent really. but deal with it.

alone,
solace, solitutde, solitary confinement, straight jacket confinement
it seems to be the path. a path that splits in two. a bipolar outcome
seems inevitable. Obsessed, the compulsions take over me. I'm attacked with
panic, my brain function is depressed, my heart beats anxious. narcissus,
your complexity has evaded me. anorexia, paranoia. delusion, or illusion,
do i even possess the mental faculties to tell. my attention races like my
heart would if it wasn't fixed in my chest. can you be phobic to life,
to time, to death.
klonopine, you calm me, a hacksaw to an infected limb.
ambien, you scatter my brain. attacks of ataxia, but not the sleep your
cylindrical bottle touts.
zoloft, I pray that you are the skilled surgeon that can remove the refuse
from my brain, the savior to set things right. so i can function, so i can
sleep, so I can be free from anxiety, and so I can be happy.
Lately I think of her. In fact her visage often awakes me in the night.
my arms, my legs, my face, my tongue tingle.. my heart beat races, my brain
fades in and out of coherence, and it seems as though my soul fades in and
out of existence. How could any one person be so cruel? More importantly how
can I keep that from jading me for the rest of my life? I'm lost in this life.
I'm 26, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have no promising
career path, no significant other, few friends I can count on, and as a person
I have absolutely no clue who I am. How do I figure that out? how do i
realize what my passions are if haven't the slightest clue.
How do i stand up to people. How do I conquer the world. How do I realize
that life is short, and to let my behaviors be influenced by what others
think is absolutely asinine. Do I really care what strangers think of me...
am I really that scared of looking foolish in front of people. Why? and more
importantly, how the hell do i fix that. How can a person live a life not
being able to call and order a pizza, to talk on the phone to people that
are friends, let alone talk to a girl I've never met. what is my short time
strategy for life, what is my long term strategy? How do I make myself a
better person, how do I get up the courage, the energy, and the strength to
face the day... and if by some miracle I do get up to face the day, how
do I make that happy. How to I make me happy. How to I stop being so tired,
so shy, so lethargic and lazy. How do I actualize this potential that everybody
seems to think I have. What impetus is it going to take for me to change my life
I have faced a confluence of detriments lately. In the
middle of a shit storm, i imagine the best course of action would be to get
an umbrella and a shovel. I don't have either of those, and I don't know where
the fuck to find them.
I'm lonely. I don't have anybody I can relate with. i'm unhappy. i just want
life to be fun. i just want to be happy
the problem is three pronged (which probably have their own prongs)
1. anxiety, panic attacks, social phobia... the shit that just makes me
the way I am.
2.I have no confidants, nobody I feel that is on my level that I can share
anything with... It just seems like I'm alone in this world, and I have nobody
that truly understands me. I feel superior to everyone else, conceited or not,
I don't feel like anybody can relate to me.
3. I have no emotionally intimate companion. Nobody I can sit down with to
rub my back, ask me how my day went, cuddle with me, and just be there for
me all thee time lookin forward to seeing me as much as i look forward to
see her...
i wonder if I'll ever get married?
or if i'll be alone forever.
there needs to be an outline, a recovery plan. short term. long term.
how do i meet friends?
how do i walk better?
how do i dress better?
how do i make my life more interesting?
how do i live a life that gives me pleasure?

brain storm of solutions.

relaxation techniques
klonopine
beta blockers
therapy
hypnosis
biofeedback
yoga
acupuncture
eat healthy
vitamin d
exercise
meticulous house, meticulous mind
meticulous organization, same thing
go to the U and research panic disorder, social phobia, anxiety disorders

what does two years from now hold? what do I want it to hold? How do I make
these things come true?

what is my purpose in life?
Who am i as a person?
who do i want to be as a person?
what people do i want to surround myself with?
how do i go about finding those people?

fuck. fuck. fuck.

insomnia O_O

is dumb. and stupid... and that's all I have to say about that.

zombie state sleepy can't sleep lane kisses to you all O_O